My little brother Den and I have a list on McSweeney's today called Things Dorothy Parker Might Have Said, Had She Been A Mother. Here it is, if you can't be bothered to click the link:
"If you can't say anything nice about anyone else's children, come sit by me."
"She knows her letters from A to B! Isn't she amazing?!"
"Brevity is the soul of high school musical productions."
"That child is learning eighteen languages but doesn't understand No in any of them."
"If you want to know what God thinks of children, just look at the people he gave them to."
"Money is no object; I want only enough to keep a nanny between me and my kids."
"Men seldom make passes at lactating lasses."
"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'nap time'."
"I require only three things of a man. He must get up at for night feedings and change diapers. Is that only two? Okay, I require only two things of a man."
"Childbirth pains you; diapers are damp,
Spit-up stains you and little feet stamp.
the pediatrician says he's hyperactive,
I'm going to commit suicide if you don't come home early tonight,
I mean it, I'm totally not kidding."
"Hi, I'm Dorothy... Timmy's mom. "
Here are some of the things she really did say. Our list isn't very amusing at all if you aren't familiar with her bon mots. And we owe a big shout-out to Sean Carman for the "lactating lasses" bit. I'd originally put "girls who are lactating." Sean makes everything better.