Twilight Delight

I've never been much interested in vampire genre fiction -- for instance, I've never read any of the Anne Rice books on the subject and I don't think I was able to sit through any of the movies (were there more than one?). But this past week, unable to pick my head up off my pillow for more than fifteen minutes and unable even to focus on the television, I developed a bizarre craving for the stuff. Chalk it up to pregnancy.

Spurred on by something I saw over at Light Reading, I picked up Living Dead in Dallas: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel at the library. I enjoyed it very much, the way I'd enjoy downing a giant bag of potato chips if, say, the potato chips came in a delicious and as-yet-uninvented Sex'n'Violence flavour. Unfortunately the rest of the Sookie Stackhouse books were out -- and since in my state, you don't really want your nether regions stimulated any more than they already are by the pressure of an enormous fetal cranium, varicose veins, an overactive bladder, and constipated bowels (is this too much information?) -- I decided to spring for the wildly popular Twilight book, which I'd read was a teenage abstinence allegory, typed out with one finger by a Mormon housewife while she cared for a baby and two other little boys under the age of five.

I have now made a private vow to write something similarly wildly successful and lucrative just as soon as I pop out this baby. Should be a piece of cake. And speaking of cake, although the abstinence allegory is certainly very obvious, the novel also works very nicely, perhaps even better, as an allegory of dieting. Edward feels about Bella the way I feel about certain kinds of chocolate and this thought kept me giggling through many of the otherwise romantic scenes. I was not the only one in my household to notice this, either. After I finished the first book and the second, New Moon, I sent David to the video store for the movie. Early on, he commented, "She's just like M&M Slow Cooked Pot Roast to him." This is a dish I've been serving my family ever since I was diagnosed with an iron deficiency -- quite a big deal around here since we normally don't eat much red meat at all. If I do manage to write my own wildly lucrative vampire allegory of something or other, perhaps I will invite M&M to invest in a product placement. Although I have a feeling my allegory might end up having something to do with babies being the vampires, and mothers being the bloody pot roast. Milk = blood, or something. That hasn't been done before, has it? I'm still working out the details.

As for Luke's impressions, well, he didn't take note of the dieting allegory as he was not watching the inappropriate movie but was instead playing an elaborate game with his collection of McDonald's toys on the floor. He did, however, stop for a minute to notice Edward's brightly lipsticked lips. "He's got a funny mouth," he said. He watched as Edward said a bunch of romantic things to Bella and was perplexed by her serious and quivering reaction. "His mouth is so funny! Why isn't she laughing?" Because your pot roast doesn't laugh at you while you're staring it down at the end of your fork, that's why. It just quivers and looks tempting.

Comments

[CAAF]

How disappointing to click through and learn that "M & M Slow Cooked Pot Roast" is not a recipe for cooking pot roast with M & Ms. My hopes had really soared there.

[MayB]

I love listening to the commentary of the movie when Edward makes a comment of how scary and attractive he is with a bouffant and lipstick. It's hilarious.

[babelbabe]

My friends and I all pretend that Bella smells like bacon.

here, because I am so lame:
http://flatedwardslife.blogspot.com/

I hesitate to say you must start from the beginning, but at least the beginning explains how I grew so pathetic.

Also, the funniest Edward post (from another blog, not mine) ever:
http://happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com/2009/03/bathtub-gangsta-meets-action-figure.html

see, as long as we can make fun of ourselves, it's all good.

[Perfectly Disgraceful]

I was just about to write a post on these very books! And that movie, which I thought was disappointingly beyond dreadful. Edward's faintly Brooklyn accent ruined everything for me.

[babelbabe]

But Edward is English : )
I still think they should have just let RPatz use his English accent - who's to say E didn't pick p an English accent somewhere along the way?

[melanie]

Have you seen this: http://lucylou.livejournal.com/566295.html If you scroll down it gives a summary of all four books so on the odd chance you don't know what is happening you might not want to scroll down.

When I was nursing I kept calling my daughter the little vampire because she was sucking the life out of me. I'm sure I'm not the first.

[Steph]

CAAF -- I wondered if someone might think that. Perhaps you should invent it!

MayB, was he serious? I've already taken the video back otherwise I'd check...

Maybe RPatz's dialect coach was from Brooklyn.

And bb, I've been keeping an eye on you and flat Edward. Can't have him breaking up a happy home.

Melanie, I am sure you are right about the vampire thing. I wonder if they make vampire teeth pacifiers. Bet somebody does...

[Megan]

Bella is human tofu. She just takes on the personality of those around her without having any real personality of her own.

[Johnny Ancich]

Cartoon about the new Twilight movie NEW MOON!
http://pastexpiry.blogspot.com/2009/11/cartoon-twilight-new-moon.html