crooked house

Yet Another Hideous Baby Shower Present

The Orgasmic Birth DVD.

Oh please. Next thing they'll be expecting us to lactate red wine. And excrete roses.

Notice how I totally elevated that last remark by using a word of Latin etymology instead of the more commonly used Middle English term. Horrified readers can expect me to resume posting literary excerpts tomorrow or the next day at the latest. I'm tired of being pregnant today and found it inexplicably soothing to pass the time searching for baby shower presents I would be appalled to receive. I've now got a whole folder full of them. The only thing worse than getting the Orgasmic Birth video from some random person at your baby shower would be getting it from your mother-in-law.

World's Most Hideous Baby Shower Gifts

If you gave me either of these items I would not laugh, I would cry:

The tasteful "Buns in the Oven" maternity t-shirt.

 

The hilarious "World's Largest Bra." From the site:

"Wow! Oh my gosh! Holy crap!" These are just a few of the words people will scream when they see the World's Largest Bra! This bra is over 3 feet wide, and is made with the same components of a traditional bra, two loops, hooks in the back, padded cups for support. A great gag gift for anyone, especially for someone with a really small or a really big chest!

Oh yes, indeed, people with really small or really large chests would be entirely charmed by this item.

Seriously, I would go home and weep. I'm not sure why I am posting these, other than they irritate me so much I feel compelled to share. If only I could share with you this tiny human doing constant digestion-disrupting somersaults in my stomach and inexplicably making every bone in my entire body ache, as well, I would happily share her, too.