crooked house

Things Dorothy Parker Might Have Said, Had She Been A Mother

My little brother Den and I have a list on McSweeney's today called Things Dorothy Parker Might Have Said, Had She Been A Mother. Here it is, if you can't be bothered to click the link:

"If you can't say anything nice about anyone else's children, come sit by me."

"She knows her letters from A to B! Isn't she amazing?!"

"Brevity is the soul of high school musical productions."

"That child is learning eighteen languages but doesn't understand No in any of them."

"If you want to know what God thinks of children, just look at the people he gave them to."

"Money is no object; I want only enough to keep a nanny between me and my kids."

"Men seldom make passes at lactating lasses."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'nap time'."

"I require only three things of a man. He must get up at for night feedings and change diapers. Is that only two? Okay, I require only two things of a man."

"Childbirth pains you; diapers are damp,
Spit-up stains you and little feet stamp.
Abandonment's unlawful;
the pediatrician says he's hyperactive,
I'm going to commit suicide if you don't come home early tonight,
I mean it, I'm totally not kidding."

"Hi, I'm Dorothy... Timmy's mom. "

Here are some of the things she really did say. Our list isn't very amusing at all if you aren't familiar with her bon mots. And we owe a big shout-out to Sean Carman for the "lactating lasses" bit. I'd originally put "girls who are lactating." Sean makes everything better.

Maud Newton's "When the Flock Changed"

"When the Flock Changed," an excerpt from my friend Maud's novel, is now up on the Narrative Backstage site, in the company of work by Ann Beattie, Tobias Wolff, and Stuart Dybek (some of my favourites among the many famous writers featured there). A few years ago Maud and I met in person when she came to stay with me here in Nova Scotia in order to work on this novel. I'm expecting one day soon to be able to announce proudly to guests, "See that red desk there in Luke's room? Well, Maud Newton wrote part of her first novel at that very desk in this very room." And they'll be appropriately awed.

I've read a couple of drafts of Maud's novel and it's fitting that this excerpt is being published in the company of work by such acclaimed writers. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who write and I often find myself reading drafts of their work. I also wade through the slush pile for Hobart. It's often a chore, sometimes a mixed experience, and very rarely an absolute joy. It has been an absolute joy to read the draft or two of Maud's novel I've been privileged to see. Every time she has sent me some part of it to read, I've printed it out, scuttled upstairs to curl up on my bed, and savoured it. You know when you get a well-reviewed new book by a favourite author? And it turns out to be just as good as you'd anticipated? That's the way I feel about this work. I can't wait for the entire novel to come out. (Then I can post an excerpt or two about the mother in the story, who I'm dying to write about as part of my Parents in Literature series.)

Hobart Stories: Sara O'Leary's Signs and Wonders

A few months ago, I agreed to be one of the journal Hobart's web editors. The pieces I selected went online this month. It's not fair to play favourites, of course, but I really love Signs and Wonders by Sara O'Leary, who was gracious enough to let me have it.

The Home Sweet Home Issue of Oxford American

Maud  raves about Nashville's Other Skyline, an article about the plight of children who live in weekly rate motel rooms in the current Oxford American. This issue is devoted to notions of home and looks fascinating. I'll be ordering it right after I post this.

That's one of Julie Blackmon's amazing photographs on the cover. Here are a few more:

Imagine a children's book illustrated by this photographer or by Amy Stein or Jan von Hollenben.